My name is not important. History doesn't record my name. Archeologist couldn't find a thing about me, or maybe they didn't want to. As I said, my name is not important as I am. But I want to tell you a story about me. A story about my life. A story from my point of view. A story from the first hand. A story I believe is very important for you to know. A story for the broken hearted. A story for the outsider. A story for the loner. A story for all of us. A story that could change your life.
I can say my life was colorful. It was mostly dark. Yes I was once felt love, I once laughed, I was once happy. But most of time I felt abandoned. I was forsaken. I was left behind. I slept with fear as my pillow and sorrow as my blanket. I didn't want to be like that but I did. I trapped becoming into a person I didn't want to. I guess I was cursed.
I did quite a lot of bad things you could mention. I had been to the darkest valley of peccadillo, the worst one. I had been and done the deepest and lowest thing a man could do. I was way beyond you could ever imagine.
I wasn't Robin Hood, I stole from people and used it for my self. Satisfy my thirst for being important, being loved, being somebody. It did help for a while. But when the morning comes, I'm all alone. Again I face reality...on my own.
I could smell the stench of blood in my hand all the time. It seemed like my hand was still covered with it though I washed it over and over again. Don't ask me why did I do that, why did I take someone’s life... I don't know. I thought I know the answer, but you wouldn't believe it either. Maybe I was destined to be like this, to be an outcast.
I was tired doing those things. It wasn't easy to live like me. Sometimes in my sleep I hear the scream of those I killed. Those sounds couldn't get out from my head. I wanted to have a normal life like I had before, but I didn't know how to make it right. That was what I was good at. That’s why I did it again and again. The world needs an antagonist character anyway. People need balance. Need the villain to balance the hero. And I'm the chosen one.
One day I was slip and made a mistake, so I got caught. Part of me was thankful, now I could have a rest. I could stop being who I was. I thought maybe that was the best ending for a person like me. Got caught and punished, just like the way it has to be. A nice ending for the good and a “should be ending” for a wrench like me.
I was hung on a cross- symbol of the out cast, a tribute to my magnificent work of sinful life- along with two others. I smiled to my self… "This is it" I thought. "Let's get this done, and let me rest in piece. I'm sick with my life"
The person beside me wasn’t familiar. I never saw His face in my life. I knew each thief, murderer, and crook in the street. I knew every drug dealer and pimp in the neighborhood. I drank with them in the bar. I lived with them. I sleep with them. I breathed the same smoky air with them. But this person, I never saw him. He is not from around. Not from where I am. What was happened with Him? Who is He?
I heard some people was laughing and mocking Him, they said "if You're the Son of God, why don't You ask Your Father to get You out of there?!" "If You're a Savior, why don't You save Yourself?!"
Son of God…Savior…What the hell were they talking about?
He didn’t angry. He didn’t get mad. He wasn’t shouting back. He stayed quite. He kept silent. He just whispered, “Father please forgives them, because they don’t know what they do …”
What a strange reaction. Why did He do that? If I were Him, I would spit at them. Shout every trash words I know. Curse them to death. Why He didn’t do that? Why didn’t He defend Himself?
Maybe He’s deaf. Maybe He’s too weak. Maybe He had enough. Or maybe… (this thought came like a thunder in my head).. Maybe He is right. Maybe He has nothing to prove because He is right. He didn’t need to defend Him self because He said all the truth… He is what He said He is… a Savior… a Son of god.
Suddenly I remembered my nights at the bar, small chat about what was happened in the street, who got caught, who got big catch. I heard a gossip about this eccentric man. A man who called himself as Son of God. A man who changed water to wine, heal the sick. A man who made blind man see, who help a prostitute, who made a party with the two headed snake, Zacheus the tax collector. A man who cares for a scumbag like my friends and me.
I looked a glance at his face. He was sweat, wounded, beaten to dead. How could a Son of God, the Truth, the creator of the universe, end up like this? Hung on the cross, dying, just the same like me. But deep inside my heart knew something is different with this person. It was hard to admit, but it felt so true. He is more than ordinary man. He is more than everyday person. He could be God. He must be God.
So I gathered all the courage I had. Asking for something I didn’t deserve to have. Expecting something I knew I wouldn’t get. Something I didn’t deserve to… I asked for forgiveness.
I didn’t have the courage to ask for Grace, but I had to. It was my last chance. My last opportunity to, at least, reducing mistakes I had done. I knew I will be placed in Hell, a place that suits me. A place where I belong. That’s why I didn’t ask for Heaven. I only asked for His understanding of what I had done. If He wanted to throw me to hell, that’s fine… it was ok with me. I earned it. I deserved it.
“Jesus when You’re in Your Kingdom…Could You please… Please remember me…”
And when He was still holding on, with the tears came from His eyes… He smiled and said to me… “Today you will be with Me in paradise…”
I asked for Understanding I gained forgiveness.
I deserved hell I got Heaven.
I was lost but now I’m found
I was a stranger, now I’m a part of the family.
I was dead, now I live.
I know it’s hard to believe. But it did happen to me. I couldn’t believe it either at first, but here I am. Maybe that’s the reason why it’s called Grace. You get something you don’t deserve. Not by might, not by power, only by Mercy. Hallelujah!
By the way, I’d like to tell you more story about me; you haven’t heard about my adventurous life right? and maybe a little untold story about the bush whispering Prophet, Moses? He told me some of his interesting life when we’re playing golf yesterday. But too bad I don’t have time right now. I have a dinner appointment with my beloved friend, Jesus. Have a great day Pal!
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